Suspense Like Never Before

I just realized I’ve been composing my short stories all wrong. Firstly, they drag–not enough action. Secondly, there’s not enough suspense. And thirdly, they’re just way too long.

Here’s what I’m talking about. Read this short story from When Will Jesus Bring The Pork Chops by George Carlin and see if you don’t agree. I think he’s got it down.

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Pete And His Gopher (Part 3)


Folks, we should have called it a day when we signed our citations. But, we didn’t. We were just getting started. After all the excitement, I’m sure the old busybody on the northeast corner of Oak and Maple was all tuckered out and down for a nap. If she was, she didn’t stay there.

Shotgun shells have a quantity of gunpowder that Pete figured we could use. He had seen it on TV, whereby some genius of a guy had used the black substance as a fuse to ignite a larger pile of gunpowder, creating an explosion. Pete didn’t want an explosion to blow up the gopher, but he figured that burning gasoline would be more toxic than just the fumes that were confined to the gopher’s underground home. It sounded plausible to me. Continue reading