Glitter In The Grass

I propose the following with the idea that better living can be possible for society in the future:

  1. We should stop picking up cigarette butts off the ground. As a matter of fact, we should just throw them on the floor in our homes, and definitely in our yards, too. This is why: Cigarette butts take anywhere from about two years to ten years to decompose, depending on the environment (heat, humidity, etc.). During the time that the first layer of butts is decomposing look at the soft carpet of synthetic fiber we would be walking on. We could probably build it up to a respectable thickness in about six months, or so. Then we could cut back on spending so much money of footwear. Hey, isn’t that like carpeting? Yeah, I think it is. Soft, plush fibers for our toes to wiggle through. We’d have a natural carpet to walk on, to lay on, and to play on—inside and out-of-doors. The benefit would be that we wouldn’t have to mow it because it doesn’t grow, and we wouldn’t have to vacuum it because I do believe that the purpose of a cigarette butt is to filter out some of the harmful chemicals in tobacco. If it can do that, then it should be able to filter out the dirt we track in on our shoes, and definitely the substance that dogs leave behind when they scoot across the floor in a sitting position. Once that first layer of butts is decomposed we’d have several more already built up. Look at the money we’d save. We wouldn’t have to buy new carpeting. We could use that money to go lay on the layer of butts at the beach. We wouldn’t have to plant grass and water it. Savings on the water bill. We wouldn’t have to mow it. Less pollution in the air from burning fossil fuels in the low riding device with circulating knives. And, look at all that time we’d save. We could spend it by going to the beach, or the park, and playing on the layer of butts there. I think you get the picture. It’s a win-win for everyone.
  1. We should stop picking up those little clear plastic straw holders that come on juice boxes and mini-bags of sugary drinks. You know what I’m talking about. Those pieces of plastic designed to imprison little yellow plastic straws that only a small child can love. They’re too damned small to get a good grip on, and it takes too much effort to move any liquid through them. There’s a reason hikers don’t use them, cocktail drinkers despise them, and adults tolerate them (they keep the kids happy). But, just think of this. They look so nice twinkling in the light, especially on a parking lot of black asphalt. I know you’ve seen them. They’re like shiny stars twinkling in a dark sky. Except in this case these little guys are dancing across a layer of asphalt in the gentle breeze and shining their little lights towards anyone that cares to enjoy their dance of the fireflies. They take forever to decompose so we’d have years and years of enjoyment. And, as they go off into plastic heaven we can continually replace them with more of their brethren. On nights when the full moon is high in the sky we can even save electricity because we could turn off the lights in the parking lot. We have illumination from the asphalt up and not from some pole down.
  1. Bottle caps should be left where they’re dropped, tossed, or thrown. I’m suggesting the caps from water bottles, soda bottles, and especially beer bottles. Why should we pick them up off the grass in our parks, the sand of our beaches, and the asphalt/gravel of our parking lots? They make us feel at home. I know you know what I’m talking about. Imagine it’s 2:00 in the morning and your bladder has awakened you to the idea it needs emptying. You jump from your warm bed and trudge down the hall through that thick carpeting you had installed to keep you feetsies warm on chilly nights. The bathroom awaits, just ahead. About halfway there you step on that Lego that someone forgot to pick up the night before. Now imagine running barefoot on the beach and the sole of your left foot becomes intimately acquainted with that beer bottle cap that someone left there for you to find. They feel about the same, don’t they? Well, maybe the Lego is a bit worse, but I think that’s just because you’re half asleep, maybe not in frog pajamas, but you’re still dazed from the darkness that surrounded your mind less than two minutes prior. Oh, and the beer bottle caps wrapped in the beautiful gold aluminum foil. Aren’t they gorgeous? And, they just glitter in the grass waiting for the circulating blades of the low riding device that you wouldn’t be pushing through your non-existent grass if you’d just toss cigarette butts in the yard. Those glittering little caps tend to become dangerous projectiles when they’re slung at high speed through the air in search of some unsuspecting individual where they can announce their presence with authority. I say we just let them lay peacefully and glitter all they want.

I’m sure I can come up with some more ideas to make our lives better in the future, but for now I think I’ve left you with enough to digest.

Good night, Mrs. Jackson, wherever you are.

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